Amaranth Underneath

I despise the fact that my tears were so shallow, but i love the way it filled my eyes, little by little until i can see no more than vague images of the books i read or the movies i watch... Last week, exactly a week ago, I found myself another 374 pages worth of treasure. I told myself I am not gonna read it until the exams are over, I wouldn't be able to anyway, but as fate decides I have to read it... Along with my reviewers, along with the sleepless nights, along with the days i grew to dread... "Each of us is responsible for the evil we may have prevented" - James Martineau I wouldn't have known this since I am a very passive person, but ofcourse not unless it was needed for a philosophy class, the two kinds of sins... mortal.. venial.. omission and commission... Each of us... Is Responsible... for the Evil... We may have Prevented... every cut of the phrase means too much to me, it goes straight to my very sense that tells me, "this means a lot...

a gift for Christmas, when i was 10 or 11.. i wasn't sure cause that was almost a decade ago, almost a decade ago since i last played a real piece... i always wonder why at such a young age i was given gifts that are not really suitable for me, a guitar from the south, specially delivered. a piano, for Christmas. which i both heard play on their own. it doesn't matter if you believe me. that thing i never intend to. i wasn't forced to play but i was encouraged... every Saturday when i was at that age i had my piano lessons with a good man, i honestly cannot remember his name, he was old and balding, i was taught to read notes first, then practice putting my fingers on the right place, then with the basic notes then with the easy songs and then... to that piece. all while i am looking only to the paper in front of me, and my hands are covered with a piece of board so i cannot see the keys. i know in myself that is not me. in front of a piano, playing music. because even ...

okay so i stand up and courageously passed my written essay wishing that it'll be accepted and be part of the contest. Gosh it took me a while just to finish it and a whole lot of courage to pass it. after i wrote the whole essay and all ready with the other creds. a certain feeling came over, a hesitant feeling, i call it the devil's syndrome. (made that one up obviously), i was like, okay i don't want to join! i was torn in two, after the time i spent, a lot of negative feelings came like i don't believe in myself again, but good thing i was able to pull myself together and really decide to pass it. right now i have a lot of negative feelings in me but maybe it's just part of it. i just really hope it'll be accepted. I didn't look at my job alerts for a good two weeks to finish this. well anyway whatever happens, it's okay. Failure is an attempt to success.

Raining Hard on Tuesday afternoon, not usual for hot April Day. Yesterday i happen to turn the t.v. to the Oprah Show and it was about finding Inspiration on young achievers. all of them became successful in such a young age, and their secret.. Follow your dreams. Know what you want and Find a way to do it. then i began thinking, with all my braincells... what is it that i really want to do? does it necessarily mean that it's where i excel? thinking... thinking... thinking... and im telling you until now i haven't come up with a single thing that i know i really wanna do. it's a bit frustrating. yes. and getting all my energy. we'll leave that behind, i will be able to realize that one day.. i decided to join the nestle essay writing contest. i have finished two complete drafts, but i feel like it's still incomplete. something's missing. and i know now what it is. it's easy for me to write without a drive. but it's great when i write with it, it comes ou...

I just finished reading Sydney Sheldon, never thought I would actually BE ABLE to read it and finish it. It was on my shelf for like a year and a half now I thought at first it was boring and then it came tome when I was about a quarter finish that it was actually exciting and a good one. Has been my most prolific reading season, read Stone, Ruth Francisco, Sheldon and Cahill in less than a week. I also realized something (that even if i don't mean it and i don't intend it) my readings belongs to a certain genre, about women, stories about their childhood to death, divinity and humanity, timidness to sexuality and a never ending search for love and self (and all of those i don't intend). Sometimes i really wonder how does that happen, how in the hell does the books i buy, without even reading the synopsis and just "got it and bought it" all belong to the same genre. Hughton's murder of Beatrice, The Joyluck Club, Belladona, Houses of Stone, Like Wate...

it took me, a whole year to remember again. and finally. do i want to speak of the miracles of the Lord's divine transformation, not really, no, i don't want to talk about His divinity, i'd rather talk about His humanity, i mean you know, how He lived His life here on Earth. His kindness, His tolerance. Listen here's what i think, I think we can't go around measuring our goodness by what we don't do, by what we deny ourselves, what we resist and who we exclude. I think we need to measure goodness by what we embrace, what we create, and who include... -Chocolat (2000) the name of my favorite chocolate. that i never had again after that night. April 1, 2009 (3:19am) in my pc. but (2:10am) in our clock and (2:05am) in the real world.

can u see it in my eyes? no. i have a pretty small eyes for u to see. i hate this, there's nothing to do. and my head is gonna blow any moment until i know there's something i can do. i hate waiting. this is the worst part of our existence. waiting for things to happen. preparing until u know you didn't prepare enough . this kinda season is what i hate the most. the reaction of my body transitioning from a very busy week to an almost nonsense days. it's raining again. and it calms me. last march 17 2009 it rained too. and i dreamt of that day a month before it happen. i have a very very very light and almost powerless esp, but when it does strike, it really happens even if it take years to come. right now i want to be away. to be gone for a moment. i never trusted myself. but i do things i never thought and i never appreciate myself. i only know what i have achieved from other people. but within me, there's nothing. to me i am nothing. i always got things bad. i ha...