Amaranth Underneath

I despise the fact that my tears were so shallow, but i love the way it filled my eyes, little by little until i can see no more than vague images of the books i read or the movies i watch... Last week, exactly a week ago, I found myself another 374 pages worth of treasure. I told myself I am not gonna read it until the exams are over, I wouldn't be able to anyway, but as fate decides I have to read it... Along with my reviewers, along with the sleepless nights, along with the days i grew to dread... "Each of us is responsible for the evil we may have prevented" - James Martineau I wouldn't have known this since I am a very passive person, but ofcourse not unless it was needed for a philosophy class, the two kinds of sins... mortal.. venial.. omission and commission... Each of us... Is Responsible... for the Evil... We may have Prevented... every cut of the phrase means too much to me, it goes straight to my very sense that tells me, "this means a lot...

a gift for Christmas, when i was 10 or 11.. i wasn't sure cause that was almost a decade ago, almost a decade ago since i last played a real piece... i always wonder why at such a young age i was given gifts that are not really suitable for me, a guitar from the south, specially delivered. a piano, for Christmas. which i both heard play on their own. it doesn't matter if you believe me. that thing i never intend to. i wasn't forced to play but i was encouraged... every Saturday when i was at that age i had my piano lessons with a good man, i honestly cannot remember his name, he was old and balding, i was taught to read notes first, then practice putting my fingers on the right place, then with the basic notes then with the easy songs and then... to that piece. all while i am looking only to the paper in front of me, and my hands are covered with a piece of board so i cannot see the keys. i know in myself that is not me. in front of a piano, playing music. because even ...

okay so i stand up and courageously passed my written essay wishing that it'll be accepted and be part of the contest. Gosh it took me a while just to finish it and a whole lot of courage to pass it. after i wrote the whole essay and all ready with the other creds. a certain feeling came over, a hesitant feeling, i call it the devil's syndrome. (made that one up obviously), i was like, okay i don't want to join! i was torn in two, after the time i spent, a lot of negative feelings came like i don't believe in myself again, but good thing i was able to pull myself together and really decide to pass it. right now i have a lot of negative feelings in me but maybe it's just part of it. i just really hope it'll be accepted. I didn't look at my job alerts for a good two weeks to finish this. well anyway whatever happens, it's okay. Failure is an attempt to success.

Raining Hard on Tuesday afternoon, not usual for hot April Day. Yesterday i happen to turn the t.v. to the Oprah Show and it was about finding Inspiration on young achievers. all of them became successful in such a young age, and their secret.. Follow your dreams. Know what you want and Find a way to do it. then i began thinking, with all my braincells... what is it that i really want to do? does it necessarily mean that it's where i excel? thinking... thinking... thinking... and im telling you until now i haven't come up with a single thing that i know i really wanna do. it's a bit frustrating. yes. and getting all my energy. we'll leave that behind, i will be able to realize that one day.. i decided to join the nestle essay writing contest. i have finished two complete drafts, but i feel like it's still incomplete. something's missing. and i know now what it is. it's easy for me to write without a drive. but it's great when i write with it, it comes ou...

I just finished reading Sydney Sheldon, never thought I would actually BE ABLE to read it and finish it. It was on my shelf for like a year and a half now I thought at first it was boring and then it came tome when I was about a quarter finish that it was actually exciting and a good one. Has been my most prolific reading season, read Stone, Ruth Francisco, Sheldon and Cahill in less than a week. I also realized something (that even if i don't mean it and i don't intend it) my readings belongs to a certain genre, about women, stories about their childhood to death, divinity and humanity, timidness to sexuality and a never ending search for love and self (and all of those i don't intend). Sometimes i really wonder how does that happen, how in the hell does the books i buy, without even reading the synopsis and just "got it and bought it" all belong to the same genre. Hughton's murder of Beatrice, The Joyluck Club, Belladona, Houses of Stone, Like Wate...

it took me, a whole year to remember again. and finally. do i want to speak of the miracles of the Lord's divine transformation, not really, no, i don't want to talk about His divinity, i'd rather talk about His humanity, i mean you know, how He lived His life here on Earth. His kindness, His tolerance. Listen here's what i think, I think we can't go around measuring our goodness by what we don't do, by what we deny ourselves, what we resist and who we exclude. I think we need to measure goodness by what we embrace, what we create, and who include... -Chocolat (2000) the name of my favorite chocolate. that i never had again after that night. April 1, 2009 (3:19am) in my pc. but (2:10am) in our clock and (2:05am) in the real world.

can u see it in my eyes? no. i have a pretty small eyes for u to see. i hate this, there's nothing to do. and my head is gonna blow any moment until i know there's something i can do. i hate waiting. this is the worst part of our existence. waiting for things to happen. preparing until u know you didn't prepare enough . this kinda season is what i hate the most. the reaction of my body transitioning from a very busy week to an almost nonsense days. it's raining again. and it calms me. last march 17 2009 it rained too. and i dreamt of that day a month before it happen. i have a very very very light and almost powerless esp, but when it does strike, it really happens even if it take years to come. right now i want to be away. to be gone for a moment. i never trusted myself. but i do things i never thought and i never appreciate myself. i only know what i have achieved from other people. but within me, there's nothing. to me i am nothing. i always got things bad. i ha...

i have never been so inspired in my life than this day. im awake for more than 19 hours, but i never regret the decision i made. i attended our recognition day earlier this morning, and though it was hell early i still managed to get up and go. while sheila and i were on our way to LRT, i noticed a lot of people swarming around hurrying like ants to get where they needed to be. i told myself, how and where in the hell does this people get the strength to wake up so early and go wherever they need to go with such "i am not thinking about what i am doing, my body knows what to do" approach. i was stunned. not because i have a laid back attitude but because of the thought that does these people ever get the chance to thank God for this day, when all they do is hurry? i don't know but i am still puzzled. we were early. very early. the recognition was quite long but i really love this message from the priest who delivered the prayer "...and although you might doubt yourse...

MIB : Majin, I & the Blogs Thursday March 05th 2009, 9:06 am Filed under: My Sentiments “Feeling appreciated is one of the most important needs that people have. When you share with someone your appreciation and gratitude , they will not forget you. Appreciation will return to you many times” -Steve Brunkhorst It has been a night of Blog, Frustrations and Friendship. Tonight, I’m so grateful for MAJIN’s appreciation for a simple line i brought across her blog. The blog she has,was so cute but deeply sincere. I’ve red a couple of lines of her so called diary, and I’m shocked too that her blog seems to be also a part of her day, her week, her months, all over her years. For the two of us, a BLOG truly signifies our Weakness and Strengths, Courage and Guts and Emotions and Sentiments. MAJIN is a very charming person. Always smiling and of course, “A Legend in a Making”. If I can describe her as a friend, as a person, and as a blogger, it will be “ASTONISHIN...

march 5, 2009 i was late again, or should i say a normal day went as i start it? there wasn't anything much to do in school except for a quiz on our vacant subject. how's that? later i had to contact text intermediaries to help me contact sheila, and thanks to them, we will meet tomorrow at 6 am in the terminal. i found out that my new contact (rainer) in multiply is indeed addicted to blogging too, and i quote him "sabi nla panduwag n tao lng daw ang blog. pero para sakin, mas sign to ng mas matapang na tao kc, tayo, aq, ikw, ndi takot malaman nino man qng anung meron sa tin, how we feel bout sumting, r we happy or not. para sakin, mas matapang ung hndi ka takot malaman ng isang tao, khit d u kakilala, ang totong nararamdaman mo sa buhay!" indeed very touching.people whose afraid to blog should read this. thanks rainer! have fun blogging here in multi! it just give me this hope that maybe someday, if he is ready enough to be different, he'll read my blog, and...

February 19,2009 (2:10AM) I'm very sure, this never happened before... I just finished watching The Lake House, a movie introduced to me by One man I can never meet. Him, I would like to give my whole heart to. We never knew this movie ourselves, it just pop out from the head of his best friend after he said our story, months ago.. he asked me to watch it with him, but i wasn't able to, too many reasons. It's the only moment in my whole 20 years of existence that i regret too much. it's not so good when you're on your own. Persuasion by Jane Austen, i wish to read that book... So that i'll know somethings worth the wait. and all the pain that accrues with it. I miss him so much. I miss him like in everything that i do, I wish he was with me, In everywhere i go he can be with me, In every words i speak he can hear me, that in every tear that falls he'll say everything's gonna be okay. In those white houses near the heaven overlooking the waters that broug...

yeah that was a long time ago well it's February 16, 2009 yesterday was my dad's most coveted and most awaited birthday. got a lot of nice goodies and foodies, including our new member of the family , that's my girl bebe! hahahah! yeah we had a new puppy last valentine's day, from our dad, and we're like waiting for her since i can't remember! we had like a whole day arguing what were gonna name her and before i sleep i decided that no one will ever get to my way when i say i will call my girl bebe! yeah from the super courageous bebe gandanghari! just love her spirit and the fact that im a Filipino and Filipino's love names that is spoken twice, after a while i get to call her bibz. and everybody agrees. there's no point in arguing with me when im decided! we spent the whole Sunday helping our mom cook this and cook that and me alil and aliy playing with bibz, i never thought i would actually like a dog coz i can't hold'em but now i am so good i...

today i am giving it my last hopeful shot. i am already on the right track but i have to look back before i can really move on. such a consummated day everybody's cramming and i wonder why i am not yet... i forced myself to sleep early and then in the middle of the night i suddenly woke up and here i am now. i waited for this day, but in the last minute i hold back, that's why i have to think for 30 minutes what do i want my future to be, and i have already done what i want. God bless me, all my wishes, i already throw on the well... it's a good thing we don't know what our fate will be.. that way we can always hope, and hope for the best... on Saturday and Sunday we'll be having majors exams, and i haven't (up to this moment) had my formal review. maybe that's why even if i force myself to sleep my brain is still so alive, i hope i can catch up and do good in all of my exams. and now am gonna force myself to sleep again so i can be ready for tomorrow's ...

just now i decided to put it down after i asked guichu the permission and he just laugh and said sure, well here's the stuff that made me laugh so much after hearing it all: GUICHU's NEW YEARS RESOLUTION 1. Hindi na ako magsusugal! Pustahan pa tayo! (we're one hell of poker addicts! lol!) 2. Hindi na ko mageenglish! Never again! (never even heard him speak in full!) 3. Hindi na ko magsasalita ng tapos. Period...!!! 4. Hindi na ko mangangako! Promise! 5. Babangon ako't matutulog muli! (guichu and i doesn't have mornings in our lives! lol! we usually wake up at 12nn when my mom's voice is already on top of our ears! hahaha!) well it made me laugh by his gestures and facial expressions, anyway, just sharing!

December 31, 2008 I was trying to think of the reason why 2008 was such a year that has been very hard for me to get over, now i pretty know the reason why, it's because of all the laughter, the tears, the sad moments, the happy moments, the laugh trips, shopping galore, food trip, secret and story tellings, star gazing, and dreaming together, that i did and spent with all of you guys, in order to be really happy, forgiveness and acceptance is the key, let's all welcome the secret to our lives, let's all strive hard to reach our dreams, and be thankful that we all exist here, as for me, i realize i had to forgive everyone who had caused me suffering, and sadness and give it back through love, we all have to forgive to move on, i would really like to say sorry to all of those whom i have hurt intentionally or unintentionally, it's something that i really regret, causing pain to others, and this coming year i would really try to make things better, thank you very much eve...

“message memory full” the stuff that had always annoyed me for the past month because i have no time to erase previous messages on my phone, eager to reply and read the unopened messages i was stucked for the past days, i became curious of what messages i saved for the past 3 years, and this one strucked me, this message was sent to me on May 5, 2006 and here it is: “Cinderella walked on broken glass. Sleeping beauty let a whole lifetime pass. Belle fell in love with a hideous beast. Pocahontas risked her life for a feast. Jasmine could’ve had anyone but instead chose a poor man; and Ariel walked for the first time on land. All for love and All for Life. It was all about blood, sweat and tears. Love is all about facing your biggest fears..” Indeed this is a message a person i was, thought would only happen in fairy tales, i don’t know but when i get to read it again now, it struck me in a way i never expected, i never lose my hope for love, that made me think there was a reason why t...

August 15, 2008 had a pretty long day, exams and hard rain that looked like a curtain in the sky from about 20 miles away beside my fave sit in the library.. enjoyed a good discussion on literature about dead stars by paz marquez benitez i forgot the other one.. it was a good story.. telling that life is a choice and someday you can be happy with what you thought was worst for you now... a must read for me (i haven't read the whole stuff) also had a good discussion on the venn diagram of males and females! (had a good laugh on our group answers) who had thought that we'll have a new professor and really made technical writing such an interesting subject (something i really enjoyed attending and always looking forward to).